I HATE THEM

Monday June23, another boring day... i spent most of the day at home... i woke up around 11am, opened my laptop and connect it to my internet... turned on the TV, cook for lunch.. chat a bit...

after lunch, got tired and felt sleepy... so i took a nap... i woke up around 5pm.. thought of going out and buy food for dinner... i had my shower, changed clothes, locked all the doors at home and the gate and went to Lopues EAst... i enjoyed roaming around the grocery area... bought a whole chicken, and i passed by the fish center.. OK TAGALOG NAMAN HA, DI KO NA KAYA MAG ENGLISH.. LUMALABAS NA DUGO SA ILONG AT TENGA KO.. HAHHAHA... continuation.. nakita ko tilapia, malalaki at matataba... sus naglaway ako, bumili ako ng dalawa lang para sugbahin/grill it... i went home.. excited and i prepared it for grilling... but before it, i cooked rice... when the rice cooker is ON, i went back to the dirty kitchen outside, clean the fish and put some salt on it... nag siga ako ng oling, then when it was almost ready for the grilling time, i remembered the rice na niluluto ko sa loob ng bahay... tiningnan ko kung luto na sya o nasunog... i ran swiftly inside the house and check it.. well its a little burned but its OK... nung bumalik ako sa labas para e grill na ang tilapia, i found out na isa nalang naiwan... i checked kung baka nakalimutan ko lang sa hugasan.. wala talaga.. d ko mahanap... i remembered the cat that was at the gate when i was preparing the grilling pan... there i suspected that it was the cat that stole it... uminit talga ang ulo ko, kasi dalawa lang yung tilapia na binili ko, nwala pa ang isa... then mahal pa naman ang bili ko dun... halos maiyak ako ng gabi na yun... hinanap ko talaga kung saan saan, d ko talaga makita... kainis talaga yung pusa na yun... pagkaluto ng naiwan kung tilapia, kinain ko kaagad dahil sa takot na mawala ulit...

bwisit talaga yun..pagkatapos kung kumain, sus sinilip ko talaga sa labas... aba, nakita ko sa grilling pan dalawang pusa, naghahanap pa ng pwedeng manakaw na pagkain... tama talaga ang hinala ko na sila ang nagnakaw ng tilapia ko... lumabas ako ng bigla sa bahay na iniisip na batohin ang mga pusa.. pero sadyang mabibilis sila.. sabi ko, one day na makita ko kayo uli, kayo naman ang isusugba ko ... GGGGGGRRRRRR

Heavy Loaded

I dont know why i get involve again into this blog matter. Knowing that im not a good writer and not a good story teller of my everyday life. D rin ako magaling sa english and sa grammar. Pero sadyang merong tumutulak sa akin na sumulat. Sabi nila, we have all the freedom to express ourselves. Kung saang malaya ka na maipahayag mo ng mabuti ang damdamin at sinasaisip sa ano mang wika ay huwag mong hayaan na pigilin ang sarili. Through writing, it helps you express what you wish to share to be understand by others and sometimes it plays a "healing" to the person who is exercising his freedom of expression through writing.

Simpleng tao lang ako. I am happy but i do feel sad sometimes. Im expressive but not all expressions you see are meant to be. Some people see me na happy go lucky ako, swerte sa buhay, walang problema, gimmik dito gimmik doon. Its nice to hear those comments, sound so positive. But in real, they dont know whats really going on inside of me. Its sad to be living alone, living away from my family. Financial support i receive from them isnt enough to make me happy (i dont give a damn with the money) or its simply dont complete me. Im longing for there presence, i miss them.

I face people i know with a pleasant look, as if walang problema. Happy face they see from me, i laugh with them, kulitan with friends, but deep inside im hurting. Ang bigat ng mundo para sa akin. I try and i struggle everyday to be positive but its hard to battle reality. I want to make things right, but sometimes it dont end up as to what i wish it should be. I had my way in doing right things, but there were some that hinders me in finishing right. I always left a FAILURE. Sometimes i try to deviate and do the wrong things, thinking that from it, i could claim VICTORY in the end, but wrong never be right. And i regret it.

I had so many mistakes in my life, countless. I dont deny it. But i also had so many struggles sa buhay na gumawa ng tama at ginawa ng tama, pero bakit im not glorious. Its not a feeling of envy to others who had find there own success and dreams in life, its just a question kung ano talaga mali sa akin, kung ano ang kulang na dapat punan. Honestly, sometimes i have this feeling of tension and fear inside of me when it comes to job application matter. I am Afraid of rejection. I already had enough, and i feel sorry for my soul. Its crashing my spirit. Sometimes i already doubt my competency and strength.

Its really hard to live alone with this kind of struggle. Doing right but still not enough. Trying the wrong leaves me finding myself sucked up by a quicksand. Help me Change. Its unbearable but im still fighting. God, i surrender it all to you!!! Im weak and weary, give me strength. Light me up.

Sorry, i know na medyo hindi detalyado or straight forward pa yung mga kinukwento ko, its just that im still not ready to open up fully. Maybe because of the wall that i subconsciously created to protect my spirit from wearing out. I will do my best to slowly uncover the real happenings in my life.

Im just overloaded now, i have a heavy heart. This is why im expressing it in here, to lighten up.